took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
