I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
