I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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