Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
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I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.