before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
