I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
FUCK WHALES
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
