I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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