I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
