I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
