I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
