Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
