Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
it's like heaven, but drunker
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
