I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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