I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
