my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
