There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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