what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
