so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
