Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
