I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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