He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i drank out of a bidet.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
