he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Come share oat with me in your robe
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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