I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
