my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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