If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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