my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
