I must be too annoying 4 u.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
