Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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