you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
