allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
