I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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