don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
True strength comes from lack of pants
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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