There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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