You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
