i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have fence marks all over my body
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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