she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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