Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
