Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
