My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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