Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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