I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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