It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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