It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
