Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
