If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
