So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she peed on how many people?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
