He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
