I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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