I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
