Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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