It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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