guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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