remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
