Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
