hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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