are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
