Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
