I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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