I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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