You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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